the one about a simple short story
Before reading this entry, it is highly advisable to catch the original version of this entry, done by
Le Raine. You can view it
here.
Then Fanny rewrote it from the female's point of view and you can view it
here.
You see, both versions are hilarious and I find this a cute little story to develop upon. Unfortunately, since the roles of the male and female protaganists of this short story have already been taken, I'll just have to resort to being the car. Here's it, I hope I can pull this thing off.
The Exploit(s) of A Regular Casanova That silly bugger stepped viciously on my rusty pedals again. Letting out a rusty call of protest, I reluctantly stepped up into 3rd gear. What the fuck? Who would drive a manual car these days? I would be better off rusting in a scrap yard damn it.
Yet I was luckily picked up by this sorry ass just a month back at a 2nd hand car shop, rescued from the brink of being transformed into a heap of steel and rubber. 2000 bucks, that was all he could afford.
"Fanny is the man. You can do it, Fanny!", the junk bag muttered in a barely audible tone, casting quick shifty glances at the side mirror. Hair check. Powder on. Eye liner there. He was ready to kick some serious butt tonight. You see, my owner Fanny, made a vow on his 16th birthday that he was going to get laid in 31 days or he would forever remain un-laid for the rest of his life.
In the past month, I had brought him over Singapore and to some parts of JB, including several deserted spots in Woodlands area and the foot of Bukit Timah Hill. Most of the time, the girls CMI, but they still ran away after a simple hello, some did not even bother. Other times, guys turned up.
I had always wanted to tell him that hitting on girls on the irc may not be such a good idea afterall. It was saddening, for all I could tell him was 'clunk!'. Today was the 31st day. I fixated my gaze on him. Beads of sweat ran furiously down his pimply cheeks, one drop got trapped by his thick right brow and got stuck. His wax wasn't holding up no more.
I tried to shift my stare from this sorry sight but couldn't. He was afterall, my owner. Was it all worth it? All these trouble because of a stupid vow and a bag of potato chips from his friend.
He wasn't in the best of moods, so was I. Being spray-painted pink was bad enough, and I still have to put up with the giant 'F' sticker on my front. This was, as I heard him boasting to the car mechanic the other day, the best way to attract attention from hot chicks. None. All I got was ah bengs twisting my wipers and spraying the word 'gay' over the bonnet.
Tonight was worse. I had used condoms scattered on the back seat, below the driver seat and next to the steering wheel. But no, he's still very much the 16 year old virgin that he is, and he ought to know that wanking into condoms and throwing them around the interior isn't really going to alleviate him to 'sex god' status. And right now as I am pulling up in front of this really spanky mansion, I can still feel the sides of that purple thong tickling the edges of my rear window.
He stumbled out of me and headed to the main door. Well, his rear view does look slimmer than his front. That waiter's tux does look good on him too, but I wonder if that poor soul has regained conciousness yet. Being socked in the right eye in the middle of a dark alley behind Mustapha cafe isn't all that fun. Let's hope he's doing alright.
I vaguely see him knock at the door, take a few steps back and start adjusting his hair again. The dim glow from the street lamp illuminated his oily face into a somewhat radiant glow. The door swung open.
The girl was tall and lanky. Long black hair with golden streaks fell from her head. Probably another dumb blonde in disguise. She glanced at a rectangular piece of paper in her hand, then at Fanny and down at the paper again. The look on her face wasn't all that good.
Still, she accepted Fanny's gift hamper and Fanny led her towards me. Afterall, who could resist a free dinner at McDonald's, as Fanny had so dutifully brought every willing date to.
As both clamoured in, I see the girl toss a printed photo of Orlando Bloom on to the back seat, together with a pile of crumpled McDonald's and KFC coupons. What a good pair they would make, I thought to myself. Ah! Finally finished. The ending is like, left hanging so you readers can go imagine for yourself. (Ok, I'm too tired to finish it) First attempt at a short story, and a tedious one that is. Damn, I feel good. And of course I would like to thank Le Raine and Fanny for the inspiration. Feel free to leave comments and such. Yeah.
the one about BYJ vs HP
I'm glad Channel 5 finally showed Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on Sunday and Monday. I've really been looking forward to it.
Now they can finally stop those irritating commercials and trailers on that show. Phew. So what if it's the blockbuster of the year? Advertising so much for a show is over the top, people do get sick of those ads you know?
Imagine seeing Harry Potter's face a few times every hour and the same old 'the making of harry potter' everytime you flick on the television. Well, at least the show salavged it.
On the topic of advertisements, have you ever wondered why there are so many 'wang wang' adverts on Kids Central. It's like 2 every commercial break! Now, that's over doing it. Well, of course I know Kids Central is a perfect place to entice nubile young kids with the toys and such, and it's definitely the worst channel that ever happened to the parents..but hey, I really cannot imagine a kid pestering his dad to buy 'wang wang' for him.
Worse thing is, the adverts are so cheesy and loud, I switch channel everytime they come on, which is no good, cause it's like 2 ads per break. Maybe it's because I'm 18 years old and still watching Spongebob and X-men on Kids Central, that's why I seem so irritated by them. Effective advertising? Tell me about it.
Anyway, back to Potter and gang, while I was watching them on television, I was constantly reminded of someone that was equally if not more famous on the other part of the globe.
Is it just me, or do they really resemble each other? The only reason why BYJ is not starring in Harry Potter is because he's probably too tall. Language would be a problem too. One makes aunties and girls swoon, while the other drive young female kids crazy.
Profile 1-Name: Bae Yong Jun aka my mum's idol
Age: 33+
Sex: Don't know
Sexuality: Probably normal (I don't know really, but my mum's a fan, so..)
Reel personality: Sensitive, caring heterosexual who prefers glasses over contact lenses. Ability to extend length of sentences and period of time between them to appear more romantic.
Killer traits: Glasses, curly pretty boy hair, a smile showcasing a nice, full set of teeth, tall.
Profile 2-Name: Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter
Age: 16+
Sex: Probably still a virgin
Sexuality: Probably down the line
Real personality: Young and aspiring wizard. Eh...nice and friendly.
Killer traits: Glasses, curly pretty boy hair, british accent.
After realising what I just typed here, I think I probably leave shoulder length hair then go perm it, then I'll go get round-framed glasses.
*swoons*
Don't know leh, I think I'll end up looking like a fool. Unless I speak like a gentleman or enrol at Hogwash, I think I'll just remain the same. Damn.
the one about saturday morning boredom
You know you are freaking bored on a Saturday morning when:
1) You end up catching Amazing Race re-runs on television.
2) You end up helping you Dad make copies of Dae Jae Geum on CDRs.
3) You log on to MSN to see who you can talk to.
4) You talk to friends on MSN that are as bored as you.
5) You try to sing along to GNR but fail miserably.
6) You actually manage a post like this.
The As are finally over but...what a boring Saturday morning!!! Have to get out of my house before I go crazy. Anywhere, Anyone, Anytime!! Argh Argh Argh. Help. Wow, short and sweet post. Ok, I'm really that bored.
the one about after-exam agenda
One more day of studying and one of day of exam brings the As to an end. It's going to be interesting to see if I really feel that 'sort of emptiness' that I felt after finishing every major exam. You see, preparing for the As has brought out a part of me I have yet to ever see before. I mean, how did I ever find the will to complete that shit load of past year exam papers? It's like..wtf?
Right now, excitement and apprehension is fluttering inside of me. 2 more days and I can officially bid goodbye to 12 years of Maths, 10 years of Science, 6 years of Humanities of all sorts and all the english comprehensions! Ah ha, not unless I get poked in the eye again and pick engineering in university, or suay suay become combat engineer in army.
Well, thou shall not talk about unhappy stuff like this anymore, they belong in the dustbin, like guo mei mei. Thou shall talk about the exciting plans I have for myself after the As.
First thing of the agenda, I've got to slim down. I think I have grown taller, probably 0.3 cm..but still no excuses, I've got to slim down. I think I shall eat KFC, say 3 times a week instead of the usual 5, and probably cut Mac down to about 4 times. It's a big sacrifice but yeah, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Read aloud: M-A-N.
Then instead of eating Mac at Kallang (near national stadium), I can run to Mac at Parkway, so fun right? Still can lose weight. I mean, why not MAN? Then I can groove to the Chicken little advertisement on 'Mac TV' and dance Numa Numa every 5 minutes or so. Jealous?
On a serious note, I really got to shed the kilos and everyone has to help me by constantly reminding me of the negative effects of obesity and the problems caused by excessive dieting, k?
Other than that, I'm going to go out everyday. I don't care where, when, how, who. Void deck, 7-11, Katong CC or JTC, just don't call me go Bedok library or Tekong for picnic. All are welcome, especially those who appreciate my humor and singing. That's like 0, but nonetheless, all are still welcome. :)
Another thing I would like to try is clubbing, and I like nice environments. Can anyone tell me if there's a club or pub (are they the same?) which charges like less than 10 bucks per entry, and don't sell alcoholic drinks and ban smoking? I've found one, but I don't really like it, cos it's like quite ulu and it's found in a nearby CC. So if you know any, tell me yah?
Ok..I don't feel like blogging anymore. Right now, I'm going to lock myself in my room and brood and brood over the Physics paper I had this morning. Then I going to brush my teeth and sleep.
the one about uninteresting conversations
Although they don't really say it, my parents really put the most darn things in the 'nicest' of ways. A typical conversation during this warring period (the As lah) goes something like this.
Conversation Prototype 1:Mum: Eh, go study.
Me: *mumble grumble*
Mum: My colleague says that people in VJC get B for A levels means fail.
Me: orh. *mumble grumble wtf mumble*
Conversation Prototype 2:Mum: How's study?
Me: ok.
Mum: Econs okay not? Don't wait for a situation in the exam room where you stare blankly at the questions.
Me: um.
Mum: How's chemistry? Are you doing your TYS?
Me: yeah.
Mum: Wny are you always answering in one-liners? Very cool is it?
Me: Yeah. Quite.
(2 lines)Conversation Prototype 3:Dad: My office got one young guy from VJC
Me: really.
Dad: Yah. He said VJC people sure got no problems in exams at all.
Me: *mumbles* my as*
Dad: Huh? Yeah, that's right. Son, I have confidence in you.
Me: Your welcome.
Conversation Prototype 4:Mum: How's Physics revision?
Me: Good.
Mum: Chemistry? You got E for prelims right?
Me: Yeah.
Mum: Have you done any Econs essays? Must do! If not exam come out last year's topics then you don't know.
Me: Haha.
Mum: How many maths papers have you practised?
Me: Say..569?
Mum: Ok good. How's Physics revision?
Me: Why is it that our conversations always revolve around school work? It's..pathetic.
Mum: *silent for 30 seconds or so*
Mum: You really shoud be getting down to your Chemistry Papers.
Conversation Prototype 5:*Me is leaving for ________(Physics/Chemistry/Maths)tuition*
Mum: So now you are going for ________(Physics/Chemistry/Maths - anything different from the 1st blank) is it?
Me: It's ________(same as first blank)! Why can't you get it right?
Okay some conversations were edited here and there, but you get the idea. And yeah, they are real life accounts. And my mum still can't figure out which tuition I'm going for at which days of the week, though she asked the same question like 20 plus times already. It's hilarious, she must always say something else.
Oh yeah and I will be updating less from now on until about 18th November. It's the Big As! But I can't confirm frequent updates after that date because I'll probably be very very busy getting myself entertained/drunk/laid. So all the fans out there, real or imaginary, please be patient and wait for me to return k?
